A psychologist shared four common reasons couples may be having less sex than they’d like

A psychologist has opened up about what counts as a healthy approach to sex, and why so many people might find themselves losing interest in it.

When it comes to intimacy in relationships, couples often put pressure on themselves to think about both how often they’re having sex and whether it feels satisfying.

But in reality, there are plenty of reasons why people may not be having sex as often as they imagine they should be.

Clinical psychologist and psychosexual therapist Dr Karen Gurney recently spoke to Mail Online about how much sex is really “healthy,” as well as some of the most common reasons couples don’t end up having as much as they would like.

According to her, many couples tell her they assume three times a week is the standard amount. But she explained this is often quite far from reality.

She explained: "I've lost count of the number of patients I see who give that number when asked how much sex they think they should be having – although it's a goal that's far from realistic for most people, since the average for British couples is closer to three times a month, and twice for people in midlife."

Fears and worries around how much sex you are having in your relationship is normal according to the expertGetty Stock Image

She stressed that it’s more important to focus on the quality of sex than the frequency. Research shows there isn’t a direct link between how often couples have sex and how satisfied they are with their relationship.

She pointed out that “infrequent sex that makes us feel alive, close and connected to our partner is much better than having daily sex that's low in pleasure.”

Gurney also noted that there are a number of reasons why sex may not be happening as naturally as it once did, but said it’s not something couples should panic over.

She highlighted that honest conversations with your partner are key when it comes to improving intimacy and sexual satisfaction.

She explained: "I always encourage patients to ask themselves the question: 'What truly matters to me? How important is pleasure, losing yourself or being adventurous?'"

Dr Karen Gurney said talking about what you want is crucial to improving your sex lifeGetty Stock Image

"Don't compare yourself to what you imagine others are doing. Focus on what fulfils you and let your partner know."

Gurney added that it’s also important to look at why some people may lose sexual desire even if they still love their partner.

Phones and TV

That doesn’t mean couples should throw away their devices altogether, but Gurney warned that technology, especially phones, can easily become a big distraction.

She explained that creating time together without those interruptions is crucial, because giving each other full attention is “pivotal to desire.”

"Put down your phone, switch off the TV and really connect and listen to each other. Plan for non-sexual physical intimacy, such as a passionate kissing session, a shared bath or a massage, and agree there's no guaranteed outcome."

According to her, this kind of connection can help desire come back naturally, which then makes sex more likely to follow.

Resentment over shared tasks

Household responsibilities can also get in the way of intimacy. If one person feels they’re carrying most of the load, it can cause resentment and create emotional distance.

Gurney said she often sees couples who aren’t being intimate because of an “unequal division of housework and childcare.”

When sex starts to feel like just another task on the to-do list, it can easily lose the sense of fun and closeness that it should bring.

Scheduling sex

While some couples think scheduling sex might be a practical solution, Gurney warned against it. She explained that making it too structured can end up putting extra pressure on both partners.

It can make sex feel like a chore instead of something enjoyable. And over time, that pressure can actually reduce the desire to be intimate at all.

So while it’s important to find the time, forcing it when neither partner feels like it may do more harm than good.

Not talking

Even though it can be uncomfortable, Gurney said communication is essential. Talking openly about needs, expectations, and desires helps couples understand each other better.

It can also stop them from jumping to the wrong conclusion that their partner simply “doesn’t fancy them anymore.”

By being open and clear, couples can break down misunderstandings and find new ways to connect emotionally and physically.