Woman Opens Up About One Common Fantasy That Could Hurt Your Relationship

A relationship expert is warning that this fantasy could leave people feeling emotionally stuck — especially if they keep returning to it.

Although most sexual fantasies are generally harmless and just part of the imagination, experts are warning that this particular one might cause some deeper issues. One health specialist even mentioned it could lead to people getting "emotionally stuck" or struggling with the "inability to be present with current partners."

Fantasies are often just ways to explore ideas or desires in a safe mental space. They don’t always reflect what you actually want in real life, and many times they’re just a curious way to think through experiences — sometimes even before acting on them.

According to research by Justin J. Lehmiller, author of The Myths of Sex, the most common types of fantasies tend to involve things like group sex, watching others (voyeurism), or even dressing up in costumes (cosplay). These ideas are usually more about novelty or excitement than emotional attachment.

But there’s one particular fantasy that more than half of married individuals admit to having — and experts say it’s the kind that can quietly start affecting your relationship if you don’t take it seriously.

The fantasy? It’s thinking about having sex with an ex-partner.

Redditors complain of partaking in worrying ex fantasy

One Redditor opened up about how these thoughts had started to take over their daily life, especially when they kept playing out made-up situations involving their ex.

"It's not like I'm desperate to get back together with him, I already blocked him and got rid of everything that reminded me of him. But the memories are still there. And as much I try to get rid of them, I can't," they confessed.

"But every time I think of them, I still get butterflies."

The post quickly caught attention, with others on social media chiming in and admitting they’d felt the same way.

One commenter wrote: "Not going to lie I do the same with my ex, she left me out of the blue," and shared that their ex was still on their mind almost every single day.

"I do it all the time," added another person, clearly relating to the experience.

Another user jumped in with a simple but relatable comment: "Yo I felt this."

‘No shame’ in reflecting on the past

Given that more than half of married people have admitted to fantasizing about an ex, one sex expert explained that there’s really no need to feel embarrassed about those thoughts.

"Our minds don't operate on a strict timeline when it comes to desire and memory," said Anita Fletcher, a sex and relationship expert from Fantasy Dildo Co.

She explained that the brain is naturally wired to hold onto certain powerful experiences, and that includes intense or emotional moments — especially those tied to past sexual partners. 

That’s why people sometimes find themselves emotionally drawn back to one particular relationship from their past.

"It doesn't necessarily mean you want them back, but rather it's about accessing familiar feelings of desire and pleasure."

How can fantasizing about your ex become an issue?

As harmless as it might seem at first, getting lost in thoughts of a past partner can become a bigger issue over time.

Fletcher explained that people may start to feel "emotionally stuck" when they keep going back to those same fantasies.

Occasional thoughts might be fine, especially during solo moments.

But if you find yourself constantly comparing your current partner to an ex — that’s often a red flag that something deeper is going on.

"Problematic patterns involve obsession, comparison or inability to be present with current partners," she explained in more detail.

"If ex fantasies are your only reliable way to climax, or if they're interfering with your ability to connect with new partners, it might be time to explore what's underneath."

It might also be time to pay attention if these thoughts leave you feeling emotionally off afterward. If you're feeling sadness, longing, or restlessness after fantasizing about an ex, it could be a sign that something's unresolved.

If you're like the Redditor who shared their concern, and you’re starting to feel worried about how often your ex is on your mind, experts recommend trying to change things up and bring in some new creative energy to your fantasy life.

Fletcher recommends trying to shift your imagination toward fresh scenarios — like fictional characters, different sensory experiences, or completely new narratives — instead of sticking to familiar faces from your past or people you know in real life.

"Instead of feeling guilty about ex fantasies, use them as information about what you find appealing. Then you can communicate those preferences to future partners."